Right, the blood tests.

It turns out that my B12 levels were very low but not deficient. This explains why some of those old feelings were coming back.

I added B12 injections to my routine. I did a bit of googling about what this might mean for me long term. It turns out that alcohol can actually stop your body from absorbing B12. I had the instant thought that perhaps my drinking had contributed to this situation.

The counsellor had also made contact. My first b12 injection coincided with my first counselling session.

The counsellor was actually a registered psychologist, therapist and addiction specialist. I had found the right person.

Together we talked about what’s going on in my life, my increasing short temper with Reuben and Nina and my drinking. I’d already made a decision to stop drinking while I was having the injections. I’ll be alcohol free for at least a year, probably permanently. I’m not ready to admit that I had a problem. I will admit to being well on the way to having a problem. Drinking every day is not healthy. Drinking 2 – 4 large glasses every day is certainly an indicator of a problem.

She helped me with some techniques for self talk, relaxation breathing and even gave me a guided meditation to do at home. We talked about exercise and how that would help my over all mood and be good for my physical health.

So in a way the first Doctor was right, mindfulness and exercise does go a long way to improving your mental health.

BUT

I needed to be in the right frame of mind to see this.

The effects of the citalopram, giving up alcohol, the B12 injections and the therapy certainly gave me that opportunity.

I finished counselling at the end of the first school term of the year.

I’m feeling better and doing the best I can to make sure I’m putting these tools I have to the best possible use.

Now its up to ME to carry on.

Not long after term 2 started I saw an advertisement for a Womens wellness course at the local family centre. It’s a 5 week course, and takes place every Monday morning. I’ve just completed week 3 and it’s been like an extension of the counselling. Best of all its free.

The other question I’ve had in the back of my mind is where to from here?

Find out what’s next in another post coming soon.

“Here are some pills”. – what a sentence.

The pills were Citalopram. A 20mg dose once a day.

So I had a choice to make.

If I didn’t take the pills what would I do?

I couldn’t continue as I was. I was tired, feeling unwell, grumpy and over emotional.

I could just walk away from my life and start again. Except I didn’t really want to. I would occasionally indulge in a casual day dream of just taking off.

I could pay for 1:1 counselling at $95 per hour. The first Dr had offered to put me on a waiting list for group therapy, but there was no way of knowing when I would get it.

I took the pills.

After all its just like when you have a cold right? You take medicine have some rest and away you go.

There was no follow up.

Did the pills fix everything? In short, No.

What they did do was give me a good push in the right direction.

One of the most notable changes was that my heart rate dropped quite dramatically. I didn’t realise how constantly on edge I had been feeling. I still experience emotional highs and lows, the lows don’t stick around for as long though.

Then life got busy again. A family member spent a long amount of time in hospital and I was doing daily hospital visits. Being busy meant that I HAD to plan meals and get some routine, I also knocked the alcohol on the head, one particularly bad hangover had me convinced that alcohol and these meds didn’t mix well. BOY things changed, I lost 20kg in about 20 weeks. Don’t worry I have a lot of weight to lose so it wasn’t unhealthy!

All of a sudden Christmas 2018 was upon us. A month of holidays for Nina and 6 weeks for Reuben.

Pre medication, holidays were a time of high anxiety for me. Having both kids at home was fine. Taking them out on my own was something I avoided as much as I could. My kids are perfect, wonderful little humans. Nina likes to run and look at things that take her interest. Reuben likes to play on the equipment at the park. Logistically I couldn’t keep and eye on them both and enjoy quality play time with them, and forget about me having a sneaky look at my phone!

Post medication I struggled too, just in different ways. I took the kids to the park with a big fence around so Nina couldn’t run away. I took them to the Aquarium as soon as it opened so they would have the run of the place on their own. We even had a great outing to the local hot pools. All appeared to be going well, the pills took the edge off the worry which helped me to think of things we could do together.

During the holidays I don’t set alarms or worry too much about routines, the kids and I both needed some time to properly relax. For me this plan isn’t a good long term idea.

Meals became a bit too fun and disordered. I thought I’d have a go at drinking again, and I found that I could! A glass of wine with lunch or dinner was just what I needed to relax, and I relaxed a lot in those sunny summery afternoons. I gained about 10 of the 20kg I lost.

By the end of the holidays, the kids needed to get back to school and Kindy, I also realised that I was drinking more than 2 (large) glasses of wine every day and on some level knew this wasn’t a good idea.

During term time I get 5 mornings a week child free. This is great because in theory I can keep the house tidy, do the shopping and attend the fortnightly Autism support group meetings. I even signed up to a sewing class.

Then, 2 extended family members died, Nina had a confirmed diagnosis of ASD, and Reubens latest application for teacher Aide funding was turned down.

I started to feel like I needed some help again. When you’re genetically a “worrier” too many big things on top of the little things can quickly mount up.

I thought maybe the group counselling would be a good idea. I went back to the Dr.

She listened and said I was eligible for 4 sessions of 1:1 counselling. I’d be seen within 10 days. – HALLELUJAH!

Then, she took some blood tests……………..

Find out what happened in my next post.